How to Stop Expecting the Worst
Woman staring out a large multi-pane living room window, arms wrapped around herself, symbolizing fear and anticipation
Why It Makes Sense—And How to Move Forward
If you’ve ever wondered why you still feel on edge even though it’s been years since anything bad happened?
You’re not alone.
Maybe you grew up in a house where calm meant something was about to explode.
Maybe you survived betrayal or abuse.
Maybe your brain learned that safety is temporary, and danger shows up out of nowhere.
So now, even in peaceful moments—especially in peaceful moments—there’s a part of you still on guard.
Bracing. Waiting. Scanning for the thing that might go wrong.
And here’s the thing:
That fear isn’t irrational.
It makes perfect sense … based on what your brain has learned throughout your life.
But that doesn’t mean you have to keep living in it.
Your Brain Learned: “This Could Happen Again”
Fear of re-harm isn’t just worry or anxiety.
It’s your brain doing what it was designed to do—protect you from pain.
Two hands releasing a butterfly
After something hurtful happens—especially more than once—your brain takes notes:
That was awful.
I didn’t see it coming.
I never want that to happen again.
How do I stay ahead of it next time?
This is a survival response.
Your brain is doing its job: trying to prepare you.
The problem is, it doesn’t always recognize when the threat is gone.
It just keeps running the same program:
“Stay alert. Don’t relax. Don’t trust too quickly.”
And often, you don’t even realize it’s still running in the background.
What Fear of Re-Harm Looks Like in Real Life
This kind of fear doesn’t always show up as panic or dread.
It can slide in quietly and subtly shape your life:
You pull back emotionally when someone gets too close—even though you want connection.
You stay in a job that drains you because at least it’s predictable.
You triple-check messages before hitting send, afraid of being misunderstood.
You tense up when your partner takes too long to text back—not because they’ve done anything wrong, but because silence used to mean abandonment.
You talk yourself out of opportunities because something inside whispers, “What if it all goes wrong?”
You might hear yourself saying things like:
“I’m just being careful.”
“I don’t want to get my hopes up.”
“I need to be realistic.”
“I’m not ready.”
But underneath those words is often a deeper message:
“Last time, I didn’t see it coming. I can’t let that happen again.”
A dirt path through the woods, with sunlight and shadows
Fear Keeps You Safe—Until It Keeps You Small
Fear of re-harm starts out as protection.
But at some point, it stops keeping you safe—and starts keeping you stuck.
You avoid new relationships.
You hold back your voice.
You hesitate to take chances.
You delay joy.
Your brain still thinks it’s helping. But it’s holding onto instructions that no longer match the life you’re in.
And just to be clear: this isn’t about blaming your brain.
It’s doing exactly what it was built to do.
It just needs help realizing that the chapter has changed.
Teaching Your Brain That You're Safe Now
This isn’t about pretending you’re fine when you’re not.
It’s about helping your brain see what’s actually true right now.
Here’s how that starts:
1. Acknowledge the Fear Instead of Fighting It
When fear shows up, don’t shove it away or scold yourself. That only creates more tension.
Dismissing or ignoring what your brain finds threatening might actually send the message that it can’t trust you.
And when the unconscious mind doesn’t trust you, it doubles down on the fear.
Instead, try saying:
“I hear you. You’re trying to protect me. Thank you for taking care of me.”
It might feel awkward at first, but when you speak to the part of your mind that’s trying to help, something shifts. It’s a way of letting your unconscious know: You’ve been heard.
2. Look for Evidence That the Present Is Different
Fear doesn’t always recognize context.
It reacts to cues your senses pick up—how something feels, sounds, smells, or looks—even when it’s not the same.
When you feel that old response creeping in, ask yourself:
“Is this the same as before, or does it just feel similar?”
“Can I identify even one way this is different from last time?”
Maybe your partner’s silence reminds you of someone who ghosted you—
but this time, they’re just in a meeting.
Maybe trying something new brings up a memory of failure—
but now, you have support and skills you didn’t have then.
Your brain learns by comparing what’s the same and what’s different.
By gently showing it those differences, you start creating a better, more accurate response pattern.
3. Give Your Brain New Experiences of Safety
Fear rarely shifts with logic. The unconscious mind doesn’t work that way—it learns through experience.
Sometimes, fear softens simply by doing the thing and realizing nothing bad happens. But when fear is rooted deep in the unconscious, it often takes more. It takes rewiring—creating new neural pathways that gently guide the brain toward safety.
That doesn’t mean diving into the deep end. Start small.
If trust feels scary, let someone bring you coffee without double-checking the order.
If change feels threatening, rearrange a drawer, take a different route, or wear a color you haven’t worn in years.
Each small shift becomes a message to your brain: “Something’s different—and we’re okay.”
That’s how rewiring begins.
Woman sitting on a couch reading a book, holding a cup of tea or coffee
You Don’t Have to Live in Fear Forever
Your brain learned to stay on guard for a reason.
It protected you when you needed it most.
But now?
It might be guarding a door that’s already closed.
And you get to update the guard.
You can say:
“Thank you, brain, for keeping me safe. We made it through. And this is a new experience now.”
The words “and” and “now” help your brain shift timelines.
They gently point it toward creating a new neural path—one that doesn’t require constant vigilance.
You don’t have to be fearless.
You just need to help your brain recognize what’s true today.
That’s when fear starts to loosen its grip—not because you forced it to go away, but because you finally showed it something better.
When Trying on Your Own Isn’t Enough
These shifts can absolutely begin on your own.
But when fear is deeply wired into your unconscious patterns, working with someone trained to navigate that terrain can help you change things more easily, more quickly, and more precisely.
Instead of relying on trial and error, you can take a more direct path. With the right support, your brain can finally stop bracing for what used to be—and start feeling safe in what’s true now. That’s when fear lets go—and you finally move forward.
If you’re ready to stop old fears from running the show, let’s explore what rewiring could look like for you.
Click the link below to start a conversation about what you need to finally feel safe being where you are.
