What About…?
We’ve all heard it.
We’ve all said it.
That little phrase that slips out in conflict, in shame, or when emotions run hot:
“But what about…?”
It feels innocent enough, but this two-word pivot can be one of the most powerful defense mechanisms our brains deploy. Let’s talk about why.
A Quick Escape Hatch
Imagine someone calls you out:
“You hurt me when you canceled at the last minute.”
The reflex response?
“Well, what about when you forgot my birthday?”
In an instant, the focus shifts. The spotlight moves away from you and onto them. That’s the brain doing its job—protecting you from the sting of accountability or the discomfort of guilt.
The Comparison Game
“What about…” shows up in quieter, more private ways.
“What about people who’ve been through worse than me?”
“What about kids who had it harder?”
For me, these questions were a biggie in my journey of Getting Past Survivor mode.
On the surface, they can sound empathetic. But underneath, they often become a way of minimizing your own pain. If someone else suffered more, the brain reasons, then maybe my story doesn’t matter.
That reasoning turned my situation into “not so bad,” which only left me feeling less important—and less worthy of having something better.
But the fact is, pain isn’t a contest. Trauma, disappointment, grief—they all count, no matter what scoreboard your mind tries to keep.
The Counterattack Mode
In arguments, “What about…” is the weapon of choice when we feel cornered.
“What about the times you ignored me?”
“What about the mistakes you made?”
This isn’t resolution—it’s retaliation. The brain is trying to restore balance by pulling the other person onto the defensive. And while it may feel like protection, it often escalates conflict and keeps connection out of reach.
Why the Brain Loves This Trick
For the brain, “What about…?” isn’t intended to be malicious, even though it ends up hurting us. It’s a tool the brain’s learned to survive situations.
Your unconscious mind uses it to:
Deflect emotional threat (guilt, shame, blame).
Buy time when you don’t know what to say.
Protect your self-image when the truth feels heavy.
The intention is positive—it’s your brain’s way of defending you. The impact, though, is that it blocks growth, healing, and honest connection.
A Different Question
Instead of letting “What about…?” run the show, try noticing it. When it sneaks into your thoughts or conversations, pause and ask yourself:
“What feels challenging about staying with the original topic?”
“What’s the feeling I’m avoiding right now?”
“What would happen if I just sat with this discomfort for a moment?”
By turning curiosity inward, you move from defense to discovery. And that’s where change begins.
Closing Thought
The next time you catch yourself saying, “What about…?”— don’t beat yourself up. See it for what it is: a clever little shield your brain has come up with to try and make things better for you.
Shields like this keep the bad things out.
But remember: They also keep you from letting anything in.
When you dare to lower it, even briefly, you give yourself the chance to step into deeper honesty—with yourself and with others.
Because the conversation you avoid is often the one that holds your freedom.
Want to change the way you respond? Let’s talk! Schedule a free call with me.
